A test that might not end for life...
Asalamoalaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,It has been a long time since I last wrote. SubhanAllaah it took a year before I could return to blogging and this time too, I know I won't be too much regular. My husband tells me Jannah will soon be lying under my feet but I don't know if that's going to help me in any way? So many things changed and so much happened during this one year that I didn't write. I do want to share some of it and then ask a question that has been bugging me for last eight or nine months. May 17th, 2006 was the last time I was active on forums, blogs and all. In the beginning of June, I left States for my homeland. In the end of July, I began my life anew. A big change had occured and I had completed my half deen.
When Allaah Subhana Wata'ala tests His slave through some very tough things in life, He also gives a strong alternate to that test so that His slave would not loose hope and become a complete loser.
As I am the only one in my family who 'wanted' to live a life of full submission to my Rabb (I said 'wanted' because I have failed badly and I have submitted to nafs more than to Lord), only a few months after I was engaged, I was extremely worried about how my wedding was going to be. I love Niqab, but I didn't do it till I was married. I did cover properly in scarff and abhaya but I couldn't manage to wear Niqab then. For eight months before I was married, I prayed desperately to Allaah to keep me covered through out as I was going to get dolled up for my husband not other men.
I belong to a family that is far away from practical deen. I say practical because five times prayer, fasting in Ramadhan and charity are considered enough of Islam to lead one to Jannah. And this excludes all other things that make up one's Islam. Anyways, I knew taking strong action against my family's 'values' would make things worse. After doing istikhara and consulting with some wise friends of mine, I decided I would talk to my 'husband-to-be' to make sure his aqeedah was correct and he could support me if I stood strong against the whole family in covering myself. I had to talk to him back then because my family's aqeedah is not sound and there are lots of little bits and pieces of shirk in their aqeedah. I had to make sure my husband-to-be does not fall in that category and it would be extremely hard to ask my parents to let me talk to him. I couldn't say I wanted to know his aqeedah because they would get shocked and turn to me saying, 'you think we would marry you to a non-muslim or so?' So I decided to talk to him without letting my parents know after doing istikhara and consulting some deeni friends. He was in my homeland and I was here in States, so I contacted him through telephone.
I talked to him for almost eleven months without my parents knowledge and that too, for wisdom. During those eleven months, I slowly told him about myself, my aqeedah and how I wanted to live a life of submission. I also found out that even though his family was like mine, his aqeedah is Alhamdulillah sound. I also convinced him to talk to my dad when we would go to Pakistan about having a segregated wedding function and not having a non-mehram to make video and photos.
When I went to Pakistan and my wedding was close enough, my fiance talked to my father about having a segregated function and not having a non-mehram for video and photos. My father got extremely angry at him and his older brother. I was in touch with him and he told me about my father's reaction. I told him that I was going to take a big scarff over myself on the day of wedding if the function was not going to be completely segregated and if there was going to be a non-mehram video-maker. I asked him if he was going to stand by me and Alhamdulillah he was very supportive.
One more thing that happened which hurt my parents very bad was that my to-be-sister-in-law (my husband's older brother's wife) had told my mom that me and my husband used to talk over the phone when I was in States. My mom was shocked to find this out because she was not aware. It was considered a big issue in our family if the fiance talked before getting married. Religion had no value in such issues.
Anyways, I told a very best friend of mine to make a big scarff for me which I could put over myself on the day of my wedding if it was a mixed gathering. My mom on the other hand was taking my decision to not let a non-mehram video-maker and photographer take my video and photos very seriously. She was hospitalized a day before my wedding because she had developed UTI and high blood pressure out of stress. I was the one who was blamed for everything that was physically going wrong with my mom because of her mental stress. On the morning of my wedding, I was even ready to give up all my hijab in the evening for my mom.
When I entered the wedding hall, I don't know where I got the courage to cover myself in that big scarff completely. A lot of aunties came and asked me to uncover for the sake of my parents and let the non-mehram video-maker make video and let all the other non-mehrams, half of whom I didn't even know, see a display of me. I don't know where I got the courage to say no to all of them and keep covered. The non-mehram video-maker, who by the way was also a complete stranger to me, came to me and asked me to take off my scarff and let him video-tape me. SubhanAllaah, my father came to me and requested to me to take off the scarff and let the video-maker do as he said. May be my duas of last eight or nine months were giving me the courage to say no to everyone.
My mother did not even come to see how her daughter was looking as a bride. Other aunties who did want to see me came to see me. They lifted my scarff and saw me and after they all left me alone, I put it back on. My in-laws did not say anything because my husband and father-in-law were my strong support at that time. They had strictly told everyone not to ask me to uncover. On the day of valima, I was again covered the same way because despite the fact that my husband had tried to make it segregated, many men had come and sat with their families making it into a mixed gathering. My mother again did not come to see how her daughter was looking as a bride because she was extremely angry at me.
My support through out this time was my husband and Alhamdulillah, what a strong support he was from Allaah Subhana Wata'ala!
Now I come back to my question which I want to ask and which is making my life miserable right now. My husband has been my support uptill now and he says he will always support me when it comes to my rights. I do niqab now and no one can dare say anything to me because my husband and father-in-law are my support Alhamdulillah.
I have come back to States for a few months and because my husband can't get visa quickly, he is still in my homeland. After my marriage, when I used to talk to my mom on the phone, she used to complain that she doesn't even have one picture of me as a bride and she did not even see her daughter as a bride(that being her own choice). She used to tell me that people ask for my wedding pictures here and she doesn't show them to anyone because in all those pictures, I have a big scarff over my head covering me completely.
Now that I was coming back to States, my parents took out that album and put it under the table in the living room so that when guests would come and ask for my wedding pictures, she could show them this album in my presence. She is ashamed to tell them that her daughter had covered herself out of stubbornness so she was waiting for me to come here and face the people instead of her.
When we have visitors come over, they see the album under the table and ask if those are my wedding pictures. My mom tells them yes they are and lets them see the pictures. As they see the pictures, they all feel extremely sorry for seeing no face of me in the pictures. They tell us I could at least take a few pictures in seclusion of myself. On the other hand, my mom tells them how mean it was of me to be so stubborn. She tells them she was admitted in the hospital for UTI which she had gotten out of extreme stress on a day before my wedding. And that everyone such as aunties, had tried their level best to convince me to take off my covering for the video and pictures.
Not only that, she even tells me sometimes that what kind of Islam is it which I am following. I can lie to my parents and talk to my fiance on the phone without their knowledge and I can disobey my parents. But when it comes to certain things such as video, photos and a mixed gathering, I become stubborn and that too is not for deen.
It has been ten months to my wedding and I am still held accountable for what I did. My mom prays to Allaah that no one's wedding be like her daughter's. And I pray that too because the extreme stress I went through is not explainable in words. Even though everything for me went as I had wanted it to, my mother's constant cries don't let me be at peace. Even though what I did was for Allaah Subhana Wata'ala solely, I still feel I could have 'compromised' and the situation could be better than it is. My mom tells everyone who comes to visit that her daughter is one stubborn person who did not even let her parents do the wedding as they wanted.
Now I want to ask those who read my blog, was my decision to keep myself covered wrong? My mother still feels extremely sad for not having a single picture of her daughter as a bride. Could I be forgiven if I had sacrificed my hijab for my mother? The thought of sitting on the stage uncovered and letting a non-mehram take as many shots of me as he liked, and letting hundreds of other non-mehrams see me before my husband for whom I was truly beautified, is horrible. But why don't my so-called deeni family understand me? I am still blamed and my mom says, 'time passes but what remains are the memories and I will never forget what you did'. What should I do? What can I do? Does anyone have the answer? Will my daughter in future be very rude to me and hurt me because I hurt my mom even though it was obeying The Creator over the creation?
posted by Allah's Slave @ 3:44 PM
2 Comments:
salaam alaikum...
no u did absolutely nothin wrong inshaAllah...and Allah knows better
ok be ready for 0 grammer
alahs slave, 4 u to do that in the situation is mashaAllah gr8...not caring abt society but only abt pleaseing Allah
thats gr8 yaar....if i was in a similar position i don't think i would have been strong enough 2 do tht....
typing in gloves sucks!!!!
anyway keeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppp it up yaar may ?Allah bless u loads
pppplzzzzz pray 4 me...
and sorry 4 this shrt comment and mail which i just sent
take care
and why i nthe world don't u allow anon commenrs
Walaikumassalaam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,
Hope this finds you and your family in the best of health and high spirits of Imaan.
What I realize from reading this post is that, the questions raised in your mind about the validity of your acts (doing hijab while disobeying parents) are because of your mother questioning your communication with your fiance and then criticizing your actions on the wedding day.
Lets disintegrate this issue.
As per speaking with your fiance, I feel that you have a small amount of uneasiness in your heart (this is based on my analysis of your writing, and this may be wrong) justifying eleven months of communication to know his aqidah. If this is the case then a simple answer is to ask forgiveness directly with Allah(swt) for any shortcomings during that communication period. Because your intention was good and noble to know the aqidah of your fiance, and you can't have inquired it through your parents. But shaitan is always there to dilute our noble deeds. So, to be on the safe side ask Alah(swt) to forgive any shortcomings even if you are certain that there were none. Because it was the sunnah of Prophet Muhammed(saws) to ask for forgiveness more than 70 times a day. Even if you may not have committed any sins, "tauba and istaghfar" will increase your position in front of Allah(swt).
I am in no way doubting your intentions behind communicating with your fiance. But it is Shaitan that creates confusion in your minds about your previous deeds and questions your current adherance to the obediance of Allah(swt). So, once you ask forgiveness with Allah(swt) for any known or unknown shortcomings then Shaitan can no more cause this confusion.
Now taking the second issue, i.e. doing hijab while disobeying your parents. Take this issue as a saparate one. Even if you had done wrong (just assume) by speaking with your fiance, then also it cannot be a motivator to do more wrong. Shaitan tries to create dependancies among our shortcomings and we are asked to do frequent Istaghfar to remove those dependancies.
So now, this issue is an issue of Haya. Even if you were not doing any sort of hijab (not even scarf, assume this) before and you decide to start it from that wedding day, then also you were justified. Because Haya has a very important place in our Deen. As stated in many hadiths:
"Haya' (modesty) and Iman (faith) are two that go together. If one is lifted, the other is also lifted."
[Recorded by al-Hakim]
"Al-Haya' is part of Iman."
"Haya' does not produce but goodness."
[Recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim]
And no obediance can be justified while disobediance to your Creator, Allah(swt).
I greatly appreciate your strong commitment and courage, indeed it is a gift from Allah(swt) and instead of being worried you should thank Allah(swt) for this precious gift. This is actually taqwa that you displayed on that wedding day. Taqwa is the courage to do good and uphold the Greatness of Allah's commands and not show weakness infront of Shaitan. Alhamdulillah you did a commendable act :) You can reward yourself by cooking a sweet dish tonight and praying 2 rakahs as a gesture of thankfulness to Allah(swt) for everything He has done.
As for your children, inshallah great mothers produce great souls. Just pray that your children be even more obediant to Allah(swt) and that would imply obediance to parents aswell. And the prayers of mothers are answered by Allah(swt). Pray for your parents too, inshallah Allah(swt) will open their hearts to embrace Deen in its true spirit. Ameen.
What ever good you ask for others through prayers, Allah(swt) will grant that to you aswell (there is a hadith supporting this, I can give you if you want). So utilize the weapon of Dua you have and pray for urself, your family and everyone you meet or know, for Muslim ummah, etc. Inshallah you will see those blessing shower upon you through the Mercy of Allah(swt).
So, analyze the whole episode again. If you find any shortcomings (be it related to your parents or any thing else) ask forgiveness from your Lord, (and even if you don't find any shortcomings from your side, then also do Istaghfar, for it will raise your position) and don't ask yourself these question again, because if there is any content in them then that would already had been addressed by your Istaghfar.
May Allah(swt) bless you with steadfastness and Taqwa to follow His blessed way and with obediant children that you be a source of happiness in this world and a source of reward in the hereafter. May He make you as a source of happiness and reward for your parents. Ameen.
Wassalaam,
Brother in Islam
Note: I would highly appreciate if you network with ICNA Sisters that would boost their strength, inshallah.
Their email:
"ICNA Chicago Sisters" icnachicagosisters@yahoo.com
website:
http://www.icnasisterswing.com/default.aspx
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